HUMORIST'S DICTIONARY OF DOG SHOW TERMINOLOGY
- ANGULATION - Degree to which dog handlers will bend over backwards to impress the judges.
- BALANCE - How to arrange the checkbook so your husband won't know how much money you spent on dog shows last month. Usually done in the bathroom with the door locked.
- BITCH - A. Name for a lady dog. B. name often overheard at dog shows, not always to describe a lady dog.
- COAT - The hairy covering of a dog that usually falls out about one week before the Specialty show.
- DAM - A. A lady dog with children. B. Expression frequently overheard at dog shows as losers leave the ring.
- ELBOW - Method of getting to ringside when late.
- EXPRESSION - "Sweet" look adopted by dogs while staring ravenously at chunks of liver.
- FANCIER - Degree to which some gentlemen handlers dress more than others.
- FEATHERING - What winners are accused of doing to judges' nests.
- FRONT - Part of the dog often stacked toward the outside of the ring.
- HEEL - A. you feel like when your dog beats the one you had just sold to an eager novice. B. Expression often screamed to attract the attention of deaf dogs.
- HEIGHT - As in "Maximum Allowed", a measurement which all champions fall under by AT LEAST 1/8 of an inch.
- HOCK - A way of financing your dog shows by the use of jewelry such as wedding rings.
- KENNEL - Where you go when the kids fight and your husband yells at you.
- LITTER - Trash left all over the building and parking lot after a dog show.
- MASK - What to wear when you have to show the pet you sold six months ago.
- MUZZLE - What to put on your kids at a dog show to prevent them from calling your competition what they overheard you call him last night.
- NOSEPRINTS - Cute marks left all over your French doors.
- OUTCROSSING - What your husband tells the minister you are doing out in the kennel with the dog and the bitch.
- POINTS - Minute, invisible awards for winning which you cannot convince your spouse are more important than cash prizes.
- PUPPIES - Small, doglike food-processing machines with the ability to stink up an entire house and collectively deafen a band of magpies.
(These creatures have not yet been perfected, as they come with a leaky system, and can also be dangerous to weak hearts and bank accounts).
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